I am either going to move my blog to somewhere that I have a little bit more control, like the ability to lock individual posts, or I am going to lock this one up completely.
If you would like to continue to read about my drama, please leave a comment with your email address and I will provide you with the link or the password once I decide what I am going to do (which will be in the next day or two).
Comments will be screened and I will not publish your email addresses.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Jingle Bell Rock the Boat
Every year since separation Narcissus has had the children Christmas eve to Christmas at lunch and Jonquil has had the children for Christmas dinner. Last year, the children specifically asked to switch that for this year. That was before the shit hit the fan but since it is pretty normal for divorced families to alternate holidays it seemed like a good idea. Jonquil put it in his court papers, Narcissus copied his language and put it in her papers and eventually there was an email exchange that ended with Narcissus saying "I guess. I personally think that they should have a say in it as well since it's their holidays as well."
Following court, Narcissus handed Jonquil a doozy of a document that was apparently written by Lilybelle. One of the things she put in there is that she doesn't want a change to the holiday schedule because she has always spent Christmas eve with her mom.
Given the fall out since September and Lilybelle's increasing absence from our home, I really don't think she is going to come for Christmas eve. Dear lord, I hope I am wrong but that is what my gut is telling me.
Jonquil and I saw Dr. A tonight and she is a little concerned about how a decision like that by Lilybelle might play out for everyone involved. She has suggested that Jonquil write to Narcissus to open some lines of communication and ask for her support in the holiday schedule.
Warning bells were going off in my head, red lights spinning and sirens blaring screaming "DON'T DO IT!!!!" An email like that is going to give Narcissus the perfect opportunity to open up a new shit storm of nastiness on Jonquil. This completely violates low contact and everything that we have been attempting to do for months to shield ourselves from Narcissus' barrage of negativity. Wow, was it ever hard to silence the wailing cries of the brain cells that will die when I try to read the response that I know is coming.
Of course I am being melodramatic. Don't spoil all my fun.
When we got home, Jonquil and I sat down and tried to remember the suggestions Dr. A had made for the email and wrote it together. It has been sent.
I am heading down to the nuclear fall-out shelter if anyone is looking for me.
Following court, Narcissus handed Jonquil a doozy of a document that was apparently written by Lilybelle. One of the things she put in there is that she doesn't want a change to the holiday schedule because she has always spent Christmas eve with her mom.
Given the fall out since September and Lilybelle's increasing absence from our home, I really don't think she is going to come for Christmas eve. Dear lord, I hope I am wrong but that is what my gut is telling me.
Jonquil and I saw Dr. A tonight and she is a little concerned about how a decision like that by Lilybelle might play out for everyone involved. She has suggested that Jonquil write to Narcissus to open some lines of communication and ask for her support in the holiday schedule.
Warning bells were going off in my head, red lights spinning and sirens blaring screaming "DON'T DO IT!!!!" An email like that is going to give Narcissus the perfect opportunity to open up a new shit storm of nastiness on Jonquil. This completely violates low contact and everything that we have been attempting to do for months to shield ourselves from Narcissus' barrage of negativity. Wow, was it ever hard to silence the wailing cries of the brain cells that will die when I try to read the response that I know is coming.
Of course I am being melodramatic. Don't spoil all my fun.
When we got home, Jonquil and I sat down and tried to remember the suggestions Dr. A had made for the email and wrote it together. It has been sent.
I am heading down to the nuclear fall-out shelter if anyone is looking for me.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Have you written to Santa yet?
I have a very well-kept secret to tell you. I am an elf. No really, I am. There are many of us that walk among you and every year at this time we put on our pointy shoes and ears and get to work answering letters from Santa.
Pffft, you think I am lying? You don't think I have pointy ears? Don't tell me you don't believe in Santa.
In all seriousness, there are many, many volunteers who spend the days, evenings and weekends leading up to Christmas answering each and every letter that comes into the mailbox. Each child (and adult) gets a personalized response.
So have some fun, and go write to Santa.
Santa Search
When you are writing, please remember not to include your child (or your) last name. But if you forget, the elves very diligently strip all letters last names, schools etc. It is perfectly safe and I have been answering letters with them for about 10 years.
Pffft, you think I am lying? You don't think I have pointy ears? Don't tell me you don't believe in Santa.
In all seriousness, there are many, many volunteers who spend the days, evenings and weekends leading up to Christmas answering each and every letter that comes into the mailbox. Each child (and adult) gets a personalized response.
So have some fun, and go write to Santa.
Santa Search
When you are writing, please remember not to include your child (or your) last name. But if you forget, the elves very diligently strip all letters last names, schools etc. It is perfectly safe and I have been answering letters with them for about 10 years.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I just want to be clear
I do not deserve your sympathies. It is not me who I put in a difficult spot, it was someone else.
To be quite blunt, I shared way too much information. That is quite unlike me in real life and maybe it was because I felt it was anonymous that I felt comfortable enough to share. Maybe it is simply because I am so angry and as I began to vent the vent grew bigger and bigger and bigger. I don't know.
And I am angry. I am angry at Narcissus, but at the same time I feel really sorry for her. I don't think I would want to be stuck inside her head, it can't be a happy place. How can you be angry at someone who is crazy? Yeah, that is my opinion. Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. What she is doing to Jonquil, to Lilybelle, to our family and even to herself is just wrong.
I am angry with Lilybelle. But how can you be angry at a 14 year old girl who really doesn't know any better and is just trying to please her mother? It makes me feel really guilty that I have any anger towards Lilybelle. She is just a child.
I am angry with Jonquil because I feel like I am doing everything. I am fighting his fight and I don't want to do it anymore. I won't abandon him or his plight to reclaim is relationship with his daughter. I will help him to see this through to the end.
I am angry that we are so broke and yet Narcissus constantly has her hands out for more money. I don't know how we are going to manage any Christmas this year at all, and yet Lilybelle sent me her Christmas list with a $300 camera on it. Little bit of anger there. We are bleeding money left, right and centre on all of this and it is frustrating and it is making me really, really cranky.
I am angry with myself. Mostly for being angry. This isn't my fight, this isn't my crap and yet I am stuck in the middle of it. I wonder how much more I can take as a person. I gave up my home and my neighbourhood to move out here to be with Jonquil so he could be with his daughters, and now my daughter wants to move out because she hates it here in [ourtown]. Yes, she is almost 20 now and it would be perfectly natural for her to move out at this point - that doesn't mean I have to like it and that doesn't mean that the irrational side of my brain doesn't get angry that I am losing my daughter. I also wonder how much more my marriage can take.
I am tired of being villified. I am tired of being the receptical for all hate. I am tired of being the stepmonster. I feel like I am stuck in highschool again and suddenly everyone hates me. I am tired of the lies and I am tired of being damned no matter what we do. If I speak to Lilybelle then Narcissus blows it out of proportion, if I don't speak to Lilybelle then Narcissus blows it out of proportion. And even if I do speak to her, they lie and say I didn't so I am screwed no matter which way I turn. It just freaking sucks.
I am tired of feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted. This bullshit takes up my entire life. I worry about it at work, I worry about it while I commute, I worry about it when I am home. I am just tired. Tired and angry.
This blog started out as a place to joke about what was going on and find the humour in the situation. It was supposed to be a place to vent as well. It ended up being a place that came from a very angry part inside me. I don't want to dwell there anymore.
I will blog again. I will blog here again. I just have to be careful what I am sharing and make sure I am not sharing in anger. I have to consider how those innocent girls would feel if they found my blog and what trouble Narcissus may or may not cause if she found it. We are in the middle of a court battle, I can't jeopardize that.
Most importantly, I can't put innocent people in harms way because I want to anonymously vomit my entire soul all over the internet.
I will continue to share my stories and the troubles that our family goes through and, hopefully, our path to healing.
I will tell you this for now:
- I got my snow tires on today, there is a three inch screw in my all seasons. That would explain the flat huh?
- I smelled something awful in my car today. It smelled like rotten, dirty, wet socks. But only when the heat was blowing down to my feet, when the heat was blowing up to the windshield there was no smell. I thought something had died inside my heating vent and worried about how much money that would cost to fix. Found out when I got to work that I stepped in dog poop last night when I was taking out the garbage. Normally Jonquil takes out the garbage . . . and that is why ;)
- Jonquil did have his day in court, but everything is adjourned to the spring. The judge is worried about the girls and is glad that the GAL is involved. Now we wait for the GAL to come back with their report. Don't doubt for a second that the drama with Narcissus started up immediately.
To be quite blunt, I shared way too much information. That is quite unlike me in real life and maybe it was because I felt it was anonymous that I felt comfortable enough to share. Maybe it is simply because I am so angry and as I began to vent the vent grew bigger and bigger and bigger. I don't know.
And I am angry. I am angry at Narcissus, but at the same time I feel really sorry for her. I don't think I would want to be stuck inside her head, it can't be a happy place. How can you be angry at someone who is crazy? Yeah, that is my opinion. Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. What she is doing to Jonquil, to Lilybelle, to our family and even to herself is just wrong.
I am angry with Lilybelle. But how can you be angry at a 14 year old girl who really doesn't know any better and is just trying to please her mother? It makes me feel really guilty that I have any anger towards Lilybelle. She is just a child.
I am angry with Jonquil because I feel like I am doing everything. I am fighting his fight and I don't want to do it anymore. I won't abandon him or his plight to reclaim is relationship with his daughter. I will help him to see this through to the end.
I am angry that we are so broke and yet Narcissus constantly has her hands out for more money. I don't know how we are going to manage any Christmas this year at all, and yet Lilybelle sent me her Christmas list with a $300 camera on it. Little bit of anger there. We are bleeding money left, right and centre on all of this and it is frustrating and it is making me really, really cranky.
I am angry with myself. Mostly for being angry. This isn't my fight, this isn't my crap and yet I am stuck in the middle of it. I wonder how much more I can take as a person. I gave up my home and my neighbourhood to move out here to be with Jonquil so he could be with his daughters, and now my daughter wants to move out because she hates it here in [ourtown]. Yes, she is almost 20 now and it would be perfectly natural for her to move out at this point - that doesn't mean I have to like it and that doesn't mean that the irrational side of my brain doesn't get angry that I am losing my daughter. I also wonder how much more my marriage can take.
I am tired of being villified. I am tired of being the receptical for all hate. I am tired of being the stepmonster. I feel like I am stuck in highschool again and suddenly everyone hates me. I am tired of the lies and I am tired of being damned no matter what we do. If I speak to Lilybelle then Narcissus blows it out of proportion, if I don't speak to Lilybelle then Narcissus blows it out of proportion. And even if I do speak to her, they lie and say I didn't so I am screwed no matter which way I turn. It just freaking sucks.
I am tired of feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted. This bullshit takes up my entire life. I worry about it at work, I worry about it while I commute, I worry about it when I am home. I am just tired. Tired and angry.
This blog started out as a place to joke about what was going on and find the humour in the situation. It was supposed to be a place to vent as well. It ended up being a place that came from a very angry part inside me. I don't want to dwell there anymore.
I will blog again. I will blog here again. I just have to be careful what I am sharing and make sure I am not sharing in anger. I have to consider how those innocent girls would feel if they found my blog and what trouble Narcissus may or may not cause if she found it. We are in the middle of a court battle, I can't jeopardize that.
Most importantly, I can't put innocent people in harms way because I want to anonymously vomit my entire soul all over the internet.
I will continue to share my stories and the troubles that our family goes through and, hopefully, our path to healing.
I will tell you this for now:
- I got my snow tires on today, there is a three inch screw in my all seasons. That would explain the flat huh?
- I smelled something awful in my car today. It smelled like rotten, dirty, wet socks. But only when the heat was blowing down to my feet, when the heat was blowing up to the windshield there was no smell. I thought something had died inside my heating vent and worried about how much money that would cost to fix. Found out when I got to work that I stepped in dog poop last night when I was taking out the garbage. Normally Jonquil takes out the garbage . . . and that is why ;)
- Jonquil did have his day in court, but everything is adjourned to the spring. The judge is worried about the girls and is glad that the GAL is involved. Now we wait for the GAL to come back with their report. Don't doubt for a second that the drama with Narcissus started up immediately.
Monday, November 30, 2009
So long, at least for now
This is a watered down version of what I should be saying, but those concerned will know what I am talking about.
When I first started my blog, the purpose was to vent and gain outside perspective on what we are living through. I had intended my blog to be and to remain anonymous and I thought that by removing identifying factors in my posts that I would be able to keep all parties concerned anonymous. Blogging also helped to cement ideas and memories in my own mind and to be able to retrieve them, if needed, at a later date. I found it very therapeutic, but perhaps not for the right reasons.
I made a gross error in judgment. Upon reflection, likely more than once. By posting emails and information from our own court documents I may have compromised anonymity. I am deeply sorry for any problems or difficulties this may cause for Jonquil or anyone else involved. It was never my intention, but that doesn't mitigate the damage. The responsibility for this breach, real or potential, lays only with me.
When I first started blogging I thought it would be more helpful than it was. Lately, I have found that it only increases my anger and frustration as I rehash the latest drama. Not so good for the soul. I assumed that neither Narcissus nor the children would find this blog (and I believe that they have not) and I didn't see the bigger picture. There are other people to be considered. I meant no one any harm as I vented, not even Narcissus. But meaning no harm does not always related to doing no harm. I hope that I did no harm but only time will tell.
I continue to be angry about the turmoil we find our lives in and I continue to fear for the future of my marriage. I am angry and I feel that I have good cause to be, but I need to turn my efforts to protecting my family, my children and my stepchildren.
It is for these reasons that I have decided to remove the contents of my blog. I thank you all for reading and for the support and encouragement your comments have offered to me. What our family is going through has not been easy on us as individuals, on my marriage or on the family unit as a whole. We will continue to do what we need to do to heal our family and hopefully make it whole again.
The views I have expressed in my blog posts are my own, and no one else should be held accountable. It is my sincere hope that it remains that way.
As you move forward in your own blogging, please keep this post in mind. Although we assume that if there are no names our posts remain anonymous, that is clearly not the case. You, like me, may end up hurting other people. Please be careful what you post and consider how those posts will affect others involved. Clearly, I lost sight of that.
Perhaps when it is all over I will make a post to let you know the outcome. I have not yet decided if I will continue to blog in any way, but if I do, it will not be about ongoing court issues - maybe I will just tell you about my first flat tire.
Until then, I will continue to read your blogs and I hope you will keep my family in your thoughts.
When I first started my blog, the purpose was to vent and gain outside perspective on what we are living through. I had intended my blog to be and to remain anonymous and I thought that by removing identifying factors in my posts that I would be able to keep all parties concerned anonymous. Blogging also helped to cement ideas and memories in my own mind and to be able to retrieve them, if needed, at a later date. I found it very therapeutic, but perhaps not for the right reasons.
I made a gross error in judgment. Upon reflection, likely more than once. By posting emails and information from our own court documents I may have compromised anonymity. I am deeply sorry for any problems or difficulties this may cause for Jonquil or anyone else involved. It was never my intention, but that doesn't mitigate the damage. The responsibility for this breach, real or potential, lays only with me.
When I first started blogging I thought it would be more helpful than it was. Lately, I have found that it only increases my anger and frustration as I rehash the latest drama. Not so good for the soul. I assumed that neither Narcissus nor the children would find this blog (and I believe that they have not) and I didn't see the bigger picture. There are other people to be considered. I meant no one any harm as I vented, not even Narcissus. But meaning no harm does not always related to doing no harm. I hope that I did no harm but only time will tell.
I continue to be angry about the turmoil we find our lives in and I continue to fear for the future of my marriage. I am angry and I feel that I have good cause to be, but I need to turn my efforts to protecting my family, my children and my stepchildren.
It is for these reasons that I have decided to remove the contents of my blog. I thank you all for reading and for the support and encouragement your comments have offered to me. What our family is going through has not been easy on us as individuals, on my marriage or on the family unit as a whole. We will continue to do what we need to do to heal our family and hopefully make it whole again.
The views I have expressed in my blog posts are my own, and no one else should be held accountable. It is my sincere hope that it remains that way.
As you move forward in your own blogging, please keep this post in mind. Although we assume that if there are no names our posts remain anonymous, that is clearly not the case. You, like me, may end up hurting other people. Please be careful what you post and consider how those posts will affect others involved. Clearly, I lost sight of that.
Perhaps when it is all over I will make a post to let you know the outcome. I have not yet decided if I will continue to blog in any way, but if I do, it will not be about ongoing court issues - maybe I will just tell you about my first flat tire.
Until then, I will continue to read your blogs and I hope you will keep my family in your thoughts.
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