I just want to be clear

I do not deserve your sympathies. It is not me who I put in a difficult spot, it was someone else.

To be quite blunt, I shared way too much information. That is quite unlike me in real life and maybe it was because I felt it was anonymous that I felt comfortable enough to share. Maybe it is simply because I am so angry and as I began to vent the vent grew bigger and bigger and bigger. I don't know.

And I am angry. I am angry at Narcissus, but at the same time I feel really sorry for her. I don't think I would want to be stuck inside her head, it can't be a happy place. How can you be angry at someone who is crazy? Yeah, that is my opinion. Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. What she is doing to Jonquil, to Lilybelle, to our family and even to herself is just wrong.

I am angry with Lilybelle. But how can you be angry at a 14 year old girl who really doesn't know any better and is just trying to please her mother? It makes me feel really guilty that I have any anger towards Lilybelle. She is just a child.

I am angry with Jonquil because I feel like I am doing everything. I am fighting his fight and I don't want to do it anymore. I won't abandon him or his plight to reclaim is relationship with his daughter. I will help him to see this through to the end.

I am angry that we are so broke and yet Narcissus constantly has her hands out for more money. I don't know how we are going to manage any Christmas this year at all, and yet Lilybelle sent me her Christmas list with a $300 camera on it. Little bit of anger there. We are bleeding money left, right and centre on all of this and it is frustrating and it is making me really, really cranky.

I am angry with myself. Mostly for being angry. This isn't my fight, this isn't my crap and yet I am stuck in the middle of it. I wonder how much more I can take as a person. I gave up my home and my neighbourhood to move out here to be with Jonquil so he could be with his daughters, and now my daughter wants to move out because she hates it here in [ourtown]. Yes, she is almost 20 now and it would be perfectly natural for her to move out at this point - that doesn't mean I have to like it and that doesn't mean that the irrational side of my brain doesn't get angry that I am losing my daughter. I also wonder how much more my marriage can take.

I am tired of being villified. I am tired of being the receptical for all hate. I am tired of being the stepmonster. I feel like I am stuck in highschool again and suddenly everyone hates me. I am tired of the lies and I am tired of being damned no matter what we do. If I speak to Lilybelle then Narcissus blows it out of proportion, if I don't speak to Lilybelle then Narcissus blows it out of proportion. And even if I do speak to her, they lie and say I didn't so I am screwed no matter which way I turn. It just freaking sucks.

I am tired of feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted. This bullshit takes up my entire life. I worry about it at work, I worry about it while I commute, I worry about it when I am home. I am just tired. Tired and angry.

This blog started out as a place to joke about what was going on and find the humour in the situation. It was supposed to be a place to vent as well. It ended up being a place that came from a very angry part inside me. I don't want to dwell there anymore.

I will blog again. I will blog here again. I just have to be careful what I am sharing and make sure I am not sharing in anger. I have to consider how those innocent girls would feel if they found my blog and what trouble Narcissus may or may not cause if she found it. We are in the middle of a court battle, I can't jeopardize that.

Most importantly, I can't put innocent people in harms way because I want to anonymously vomit my entire soul all over the internet.

I will continue to share my stories and the troubles that our family goes through and, hopefully, our path to healing.

I will tell you this for now:

- I got my snow tires on today, there is a three inch screw in my all seasons. That would explain the flat huh?

- I smelled something awful in my car today. It smelled like rotten, dirty, wet socks. But only when the heat was blowing down to my feet, when the heat was blowing up to the windshield there was no smell. I thought something had died inside my heating vent and worried about how much money that would cost to fix. Found out when I got to work that I stepped in dog poop last night when I was taking out the garbage. Normally Jonquil takes out the garbage . . . and that is why ;)

- Jonquil did have his day in court, but everything is adjourned to the spring. The judge is worried about the girls and is glad that the GAL is involved. Now we wait for the GAL to come back with their report. Don't doubt for a second that the drama with Narcissus started up immediately.